Disclaimer: this guide is for masters of evil only. If you’re a hero with a heart of gold, please refer to our less satirical and evil-free guide called How to collaborate with your b2b PR agency.
Is managing marketing and PR keeping you from your plans of world domination? Are you stuck at the office producing obscene amounts of content and publicity for your b2b tech company instead of plotting plans of unimaginable evil? Do you wish you had more free time for nefarious deeds but you also like having a manager/CMO salary?
If so, you’ll be happy to hear there’s a key to unlock these shackles. That key is called a ‘b2b PR agency’.
In other words: minions to do thine PR and marketing biddings. However, marketers and PR minions are fickle creatures. They spend most of their time at pubs or industry events (mostly for the same reason) and take far too many holidays and weekends, so it’s essential to rule them with an iron fist from the get-go.
Luckily, we’ve made a five-step guide on how to do exactly that.
Step one: making ‘power moves’
Now that you’ve decided to outsource your PR and marketing, you can safely put all current projects on hold. Once you have, it’s time to start your first war. Identify the top ten agencies in your country and start a pitching war between the top five.
A week or two after you receive their carefully planned pitches, decline them. Immediately start a new war with the bottom five while making sure they understand how underwhelming the top five were. This is known as a ‘power move’ and will raise standards and lower prices.
Rinse and repeat until you’ve found a sufficiently desperate agency or until your board starts whining about results. Whichever comes first. Once you’ve decided on an agency, let them sweat for another week before signing on.
Step two: selecting your b2b PR agency
Now that you’ve been postponing your PR and marketing efforts for weeks, it’s time to let your new agency know how far behind they are. Set an 8 AM, in-person meeting in their offices immediately. Bring a type of minion called an ‘intern’ and make them take notes.
This meeting won’t produce any results, but it will force your agency to leave the pub and come into the office where they can do some actual work. Not to mention, it will show them who’s in charge.
Naturally, you’ll want to start the meeting by establishing dominance. Crush their so-called ‘b2b pr strategies’ and, instead, demand to know when you’ll start seeing returns on investments (ROI) on things like SEO, PPC, and thought-leadership bylines. Don’t worry about what these things mean, as the majority of b2b marketing and PR terms are utterly meaningless nonsense.
Order a taxi approximately halfway into the meeting, and let your minions know it’s for a more important meeting. On your way out, drop as many vague assignments and projects as you can.
Step three: quality assurance
We want the minions to do all the work eventually, but not at the cost of your salary. World domination is expensive, after all. As the saying goes, ‘if you want it done right, do it yourself.’ Marketing and PR people have little to no idea what they’re writing about, so letting them write whatever they want will inevitably lead to disaster — and since you’re still accountable for your b2b tech company’s marketing and PR, you need to create a quality assurance chain.
Inform the person under you to inform the person under them (and so on) down to the lowest-ranking bottom-feeder in the team that they are now the marketing and PR agency’s sole point of contact. Ideally, this ends up being the intern minion you brought along to that 8 AM meeting a few weeks ago.
The agency must then send everything they produce to this minion. After that, it travels all the way up and down the entire chain of command before anything goes out the door. Not only does this save you from putting much effort into editing and feedback, but it also keeps you from having to communicate with your agency directly.
Step four: priorities
With the pecking order established, demands set, and a quality assurance process in place, it’s time for the most important part of any relationship.
After all, overlords don’t do the work themselves; they delegate. Now that the marketing and PR wheels are rolling, you have more important things to focus on. Raising armies, eliminating the Batman, golfing, etc. Stop responding to your agency’s emails and consider those bi-weekly calls optional from now on. Of course, this should not stop you from getting involved whenever the mood strikes.
Step five: b2b PR agency & world domination
Well done. You’ve successfully outsourced your marketing and PR. Time to start plotting to take over the world!
PS: if results drop, fire your b2b PR agency and return to step one. If you’d like to speed up the process by going straight to step two, pop us a message at email@example.com.